Coming Home

This post was inspired by a song that I heard on my walk to the school I was supply teaching at today. I love those moments when a song you have heard quite a few times, that you've had on your iTunes for a couple of years, all of a sudden has new meaning in the lyrics and offers a new perspective and realization when you listen to it. That's what "Coming Home" sung by Gwyneth Peltrow from the movie "Country Strong" had for me this morning.

First, I'll announce that I have decided that when I fly home to Canada on July 26th, I won't be getting on a return flight three weeks later back to London. This is a decision that I have made, after deciding to stay for the second year of my visa wasn't sitting well with me. I was having a lot of second thoughts, not quite sure that it was the best choice and just feeling really overwhelmed and scared by how long a second year seemed to be here.

Before I go any further...here are the lyrics for the song. I also am going to put a link to a video of the performance scene just so that you can here the song as well for those who don't know it.

Coming Home Video

It’s a four letter word
a place you go to heal your hurt
It’s an alter, it’s a shelter
One place you’re always welcome
a pink flamingo, double wide
One bedroom in a high rise
a mansion on a hill
Where the memories always will
keep you company
whenever you’re alone
after all of my running 
I’m finally coming

Home
The world tried to break me
I found a road to take me
Home
There aint nothing but a blue sky now
After all of my running
I’m finally coming
Home

Well they say its where the heart is
and I guess the hardest part is
when your heart is broken
and you’re lost out in the great wide open
looking for a map
finding your way back
to where you belong 
well that’s where I belong

Home
The world tried to break me
I found a road to take me
Home
There aint nothing but a blue sky now
After all of my running
I’m finally coming
Home

Home…
Home…

Home
The world tried to break me
I found a road to take me
Home
There aint nothing but a blue sky now
After all of my running
I’m finally coming
After all of my running
I’m finally coming
Home

Those of you who have followed this blog since it started and have kept in touch with me throughout my time abroad, as well as those of you who I have met on this adventure, know that it has not been the easiest of times for me. The first few months here were harder then anything I ever anticipated, and settling into London life and supply teaching was challenging. There were days when all I did was hold on to the hope that Christmas break was coming to drag me out of bed, and there were days when not even that worked. But then, Christmas break came and I went home, and I missed London a bit. I missed friends here and I missed the city, so I came back after Christmas and things were going pretty well for a few months. I felt adjusted, I felt comfortable in the city, my friendships had developed here,I was making new friends, everything was great! And then, that joy started to wear off I guess around March. But I had my mom visiting in April, so I focused on that and the 2 week half term break that was coming up at Easter. Once that was over, and I returned to supply teaching I really just started to feel like I was living for the weekend and not enjoying every day of my life like I want to be. I felt like my brain wasn't being challenged as I need it to be. I was missing the days when I would come home mentally exhausted from a shift at Coles or a day at the Oxford County Library.

Those of you who know me well or knew me during my last few years of university know that I have had doubts about whether teaching was really the right career path for me. It was something my friends Erika, Kristin, and I discussed constantly throughout 4th year and teacher's college. There is so much involved in teaching that I never thought about when I chose it as my career as an eight year old girl who loved reading, learning, other children, and school. Since then, it's really been the only career I fully considered. I just figured it was the match for me. But at eight years old you don't know what your personality will be as an adult, or your temperment, or your belief on what a career should be in your life.

What I have learned is that I don't want to be responsible for the assessment of children. I don't want to be the one deciding if they are learning at the appropriate pace, or reaching the right grade level at the right time. So what if children run in the hallway or are quiet in class. I don't like having to care about that, and even though as a supply teacher I don't even really get the bulk of the responsibility, I still have to care because if I don't, the class of 30 children will walk all over me! I want children to learn, but the role I want to play in that is providing fun, yet educational experiences for them. I want to help them learn about things they want to learn about. I want to show children the magic of books and reading. How music can change your life. How to let yourself be creative and encourage your brain to think and invent. But I don't want to stay after school and assess children's work. I don't want to devote my entire life to children, sacrificing the time for things that I personally enjoy to meet the expectations and pressures of the education system (mind you Ontario's education system is much less demanding than the British system from what I have seen, but still). A classroom is not where I want to be involved with children.

Another thing? I actually don't like all of the holidays that teachers get. You know why? Because it gets me out of routine, and I find it harder and harder to want to go back after each holiday. Especially in London, when you have a school break every six or seven weeks! I like routine. I also want to know that my day will start at a certain time and end at a certain time, or something realitively like that. I like "me" time way to much to want to sacrifice that and put it into the work that never ends as a teacher.

However, the biggest thing that is influencing my decision to perhaps but teaching on the list of careers that are not for me is my lack of passion for it. It's just not something that I love. Children deserve passionate teachers. Teachers who love what they do, because those are the teachers that inspire, motivate, and influence children to be the best they can be. Those are the kinds of teachers I want children to have. I could almost compare my decision to not teach in a classroom as a career to a mother's decision not to raise her own child. Yes, she could probably do it, just like I could probably teach. But it would not be what is best for the children. I don't really like the person I become when I have to be strict, when I have to discipline, or when my patience is gone and children aren't listening. It reminds me of my 13-15 year old angry self who yelled a lot, and spoke with lots of attitude. I am not the best me as a teacher. So, I am taking the skills that I have gained, and the knowledge of things that I do like and enjoy about teaching, and I'm starting the journey towards figuring out another career that those could be more suitable for, and that I am more suitable for.

I still love children, I think they are cute and I definitely want a career that involves them somehow. I love reading to kids and encouraging/challenging them to think. But there are other career choices that can involve that in my work.

Teaching challenges haven't been my only challenges that I have faced this year. There was the homesickness that was mentioned, but also a lot of challenges of the heart. I don't want to go into too much detail on these but let's just say my trust level in men is below ground zero, with the exception of a few that have proven their friendship, or are my brother Clint or cousin Jonathan.

I feel like the "world has tried to break me". This adventure abroad was I think as much of an emotional adventure as anything else. I've been "looking for a map", trying to figure out how to handle it all and what the best decision for me is in regards to my future. But "after all of my running, I'm finally coming home". I'm coming home to heal, and to figure out my path. It's not going to be easy, but let me tell you that I don't even know what easy is anymore because nothing that I have experienced in the past 9 months of being in London has been. I'm ready for the challenge, and I accept it.

See you July 26th Canada. <3